Interrupt
by syllogi
Summary: Kaidan Alenko had a hard time adjusting to Commander Shepard being dead, and is having an even harder time coming to terms with her coming back to life. KaidanxFemShep.
1. Chapter 1

**Interrupt**

**Chapter One**

In his dreams, the night before Ilos never ended. He was above her, inside her, and joined with her forever. Sometimes, the dreams were not even about coupling, but rather the conversation they had had afterwards, the comfortable silence as they drifted to sleep, and the way he had touched her. She looked so different that night, as if she was completely at peace and content, despite the mission that still lay before them. He liked to think that his dreams of her were where she was now. Kaidan had never thought about the afterlife before Shepard died, but now he secretly held the conceit that his dreams held the real woman, the one that only he knew, for that night. He would have her forever, in dreams.

In the beginning, he had the dreams every night, and they were not a comfort, but rather an aching reminder of what he did not have in his waking hours. Time passed, and he realized that he had to pretend to move on, because that was expected from a good soldier, and if he was anything, Kaidan Alenko was a good soldier. He took new assignments, made new friends, was promoted, not once, but twice. He even went out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. His family and friends were pleased.

Yet, even as years went by, he still had the dreams. He grew accustomed to them, and even welcomed them. One night they would be lying entangled, tracing lazy patterns on each other's bodies, as they laughed about gossip about them being spread amongst the crew, and how Joker was obviously behind all of it. The next night she was telling him about the day the slavers came to Mindoir, and how she hid while her family was slaughtered. He would comfort her, again, and know that this was not real. Nevertheless, the dreams were his, and he cherished them.

Then she was alive again.

First, there were the rumors, casually mentioned by associates who thought they knew all about the Battle of the Citadel and Kaidan's role in it. Had he heard? People were saying that Shepard never really died, that she had been rescued by Cerberus, and was one of their agents now. There was even talk that she was somehow responsible for the disappearing human colonies. Then the associates would look closely at him, testing, judging his reaction. He would shrug, shake his head, and tell them that those rumors sounded nothing like the Commander he had served with, at all. The rumors must be false, he said, as he excused himself.

The dreams still were with him, even when he went to Horizon, in order to attempt fruitlessly to help a colony being used as bait by his superiors. At the end of each day, at least he had Shepard in his dreams, gazing up at him as if he was her entire world. In his dreams, he knew she would never betray the Alliance, or work with Cerberus. He would feel her in his dreams, and he knew her like no one else ever would.

He knew she was the same, but somehow she did not look like the Shepard in his dreams, when he saw her on Horizon. He was still disoriented and numb from the Collector's Seeker swarm stings. When he looked at her, he realized that the dreams were more real to him now than the woman standing before him was. He wanted to kiss her, to touch her, but he could not trust himself to more than an awkward embrace. His body was slow, but somehow his mouth was racing ahead of his head when he finally spoke to her.

_No, you idiot. Not like this. It isn't supposed to be like this._ He did not know what it was _supposed_ to be like, as he walked away, saying goodbye again, telling her he would not join her, asking her to be careful, but it should not have been like that. Even as he sent a message to the Alliance, explaining what had happened, he wondered if he would still have the dreams now, and if so, would his dream Shepard have faintly glowing facial scars, and look at him with that guarded, closed expression? He did not know what would be for the best.

The dreams did return, almost immediately, to his relief and annoyance. Now it was exceedingly apparent how unhealthy it was to dream of her. He could see that Shepard was never the woman in his dreams. She had been there, with him, before Ilos, but not the way he thought she was. Being with her had meant everything to him. Obviously, that night had not meant the same thing to her. He would forget about her, he decided, and move forward. It was better this way.

A few days later, he sent her a message. It was not particularly eloquent, but he hoped she would understand. The new Normandy apparently shared the same stealth capabilities as its namesake, according to the briefing he had attended, and the only way to communicate now was through private messages. Even if she did not respond, he wanted to try to let her know how he felt. Even if he still was not sure _how_ he felt.

She never responded. He was grounded, the Alliance and the Council both adopting a "wait and see" policy towards Shepard, and somehow that required him to stay at the Citadel and await further orders. In other words, they wanted to keep him around, to be used as bait again, if the need arose. He was a good soldier, and obeyed.

On the Citadel, there were many ways to entertain oneself, and whether he liked it or not, there were reminders of Shepard everywhere. Foremost, he heard her voice when he entered any store in Zakera Ward. It made him do a double take, the first time he heard it, so he asked the storeowner what the story was. Then he heard it again, and heard the same account elsewhere. Once he understood, he smiled a little every time he walked into a store and heard her ringing endorsement, feeling a ridiculous bit of satisfaction in knowing that she had put one over on all of the merchants, in pursuit of a discount.

Then there was the Westerlund News exclusive report by Khalisah Bint Sinan Al-Jilani being aired everywhere he went. It must have been filmed before he returned to the Citadel, but it was deemed a big enough story that it was replayed for weeks. Every time Kaidan walked by a video terminal, he heard Shepard reciting the names of the Systems Alliance starships that had been sacrificed while saving the Destiny Ascension. He would have wanted to hit that reporter, yet she dealt with her with grace and dignity. His stomach twisted when he saw that, both with pride and anxiety. _You might never see her again, and that's the way you left things. You idiot._

Weeks went by, and the Shepard in his dreams waited for him every night, in the bed that no longer existed on the ship that was destroyed long ago. He wished he could talk to her about current events, but that was not how the dreams worked, and perhaps he did not want to know what the real Shepard was thinking of him now. She was off saving the galaxy once again on an impossible mission, while he was interviewing merchants about her shopping habits. He wondered if he was fooling himself, cursed his indecision, and forswore any further emotional attachment to her with every new day.

When he heard that the Normandy had entered the Omega 4 relay, he felt his world collapsing again, but at least this time he was prepared enough to mask it. She would die again, and he would never know for sure what they could have had, or she would survive, and know that he had failed her once more. No matter whom she worked for now, no matter how much the Alliance meant to him, none of it mattered if she was gone again. There was nothing to do now but continue to wait, and he hated himself for it.

In his dreams, she candidly adored him, and he passionately loved her in return, the way he never could let himself in reality. When he woke, he would ignore the gnawing anger, the guilt, and the frustration. Because he knew that this was all he was allowed to have of her, and he would make it enough.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the first chapter, and thanks to all the Shenko fanfic writers out there, who are making the wait for Mass Effect 3 a little easier.

**Chapter Two**

Shepard was definitely smashed. She knew this because she was breathing heavily through her nose, and she _hated_ breathing heavily through her nose. In addition, despite standing quite still on flat ground, the world was spinning madly around her. She also knew she was smashed because she was standing outside of Kaidan Alenko's apartment, bypassing the security module on his front door.

She really had not _meant_ to come here. Jacob had been talking about "getting loud and spilling drinks on the Citadel" since well before they blew up the Collector's base, and Miranda seemed to be partial to the Dark Star Lounge, so off they went to celebrate their success and newfound unemployment. Only a small group of Shepard's companions made their way to the club that night, and though she was fond of all of them, she was glad of it.

Shepard had not even tried asking Jack to come along to the Dark Star, after the last time they had been there together, and besides that, Dr. Chakwas was currently working with her on a solution to the neural degeneration that seemed to be an inevitable result of Jack's incredible gift. Jack had acted annoyed and frustrated by the attention of the doctor, but she had not refused it, which for Jack, was practically gratitude and praise. Shepard was content to leave her be, for the time being.

Zaeed had left the Normandy almost immediately upon returning from the Omega 4 relay, after Shepard had given him a tip on the current whereabouts of Vido Santiago, courtesy of Liara's information network. It was probably more than he deserved, after the debacle on Zorya, but she had developed an unexpected soft spot for the old mercenary after they had reached an understanding on how things ran on Shepard's ship. He had seemed genuinely shocked when Shepard had presented him with the information, but told her that when she took on the Reapers, he would return, if she wanted his help. She knew that he had meant it.

With her Oath of Sublimation fulfilled, Samara had left soon after Zaeed, although she also pledged her assistance in battling the Reapers when the time came. Shepard had felt deeply for the asari, especially after everything that had occurred with Morinth, but she knew that Samara's Code was everything to her. If there was evil in the galaxy to judge, the Justicar must pursue. Hence, Samara said her goodbyes to those she felt worthy, and left quietly in the night.

Thane had welcomed the visit to the Citadel, and had left earlier to visit Kolyat at the C-Sec offices. Although he had not asked him to do so, Mordin, excited by the challenge of working on a cure for Kepral's Syndrome, had opted to stay behind on the Normandy. Grunt had not understood the point of going to a crowded place with loud music, and while Shepard was trying to explain, she had a vision of the young krogan inebriated for the first time ever, and quickly told him it was not anything he would like. She had not asked Legion, although she had to admit to herself that dancing with a geth on the Citadel would be worth whatever the consequences would be. Joker had declined, and she had avoided Kelly on purpose. She would have invited Ken and Gabby, but they had plans of their own for the evening, and it was not her place to inquire further.

Thus, it was only Miranda, Jacob, Tali and Garrus who accompanied her that night to the Dark Star. The turian bartender remembered Shepard from her previous visit, and was soon urging her to try ryncol again, assuring her that the first time was the worst, and surely, she had the fortitude to take another shot at it. Jacob and Miranda, who had rediscovered each other after the end of the mission and telling their boss to go screw, found an excuse to go off alone together to a secluded spot, soon after arriving. Tali and Garrus, who were bonding over the simple fact of sharing the same drinks, were engrossed in a conversation with an elcor, who was a historian of the Rachni Wars. It was shaping up to be a fine night.

Yet, after only six or seven batarian ales and a shot or three of ryncol, Shepard found she was alone at the bar, and brooding. She told herself that it was nothing but innocent curiosity that led her to pull out her omni tool to look up Kaidan's current address. Her brow furrowed when she saw that he was listed as living on the Citadel. Was he here now? She had been back to the Citadel at least twice since seeing him on Horizon, had he been here then? _Crud_. She closed her eyes against the orange glow of her omni tool, wondering how stupid she could be. She found out a moment later, as she stood unsteadily up from the bar and walked out of the Dark Star, towards a rapid transit terminal.

So it came to pass that here she was, opening the door to Kaidan's apartment, at a very late hour, without his invitation or knowledge. Part of her was extremely amused at the current state of things, because it just _figured_ that she would do something like this. Another part of her was disgusted and embarrassed. That was the part that was telling the rest of Shepard to turn around and go back to the Normandy. That was also the part that she ignored on a regular basis, for if she had listened to that part of herself, Saren would be currently leading the majority of the galaxy in a futile attempt to placate the Reapers before all of civilization was annihilated. Therefore, that voice of reason was held in very little regard in Shepard's head.

She walked into his living room, looking around in the darkness with eyes enhanced by Cerberus. It had bothered her at first, all the little things that made her different, special, and new, after her rebirth, but by now she took these things for granted. She had not asked the Illusive Man to take her charred corpse and remake her, but here she was, and she could not change the way things had happened. So she dealt, and if it meant that she had night vision, it just was a bonus.

Kaidan had not spent much time furnishing his home, from what she could see, and for a moment, the knot of anxiety in her chest loosened, because it did not seem likely that anyone lived here. Obviously, this was just an address for him, not a home. Then she heard breathing further within, and like a moth to the flame, she followed the sound.

The bedroom, at least, had a bed, and on the bed was Kaidan, sleeping. She stood in the doorway for a while, just looking at him. She thought of the morning after they had been together, the moments before they had landed on Ilos. They had hardly slept at all the night before, but still she had awoken first, and, practical as ever, had grabbed a shower and dressed before he woke. She had taken a moment to sit on her desk and just admire him, much like the present.

Two years ago, as she sat and looked upon him, she had felt a dire premonition that whatever Kaidan was to her then, would not last. It made sense, that after Mindoir, where everyone she ever had loved had been taken away, and even Elysium, where she had done everything right, yet everything had still gone so very wrong, to lose yet another person she cared for. She just sat there for those few moments, feeling the awful sense of impending loss, and admired the view.

In the present, she was moving closer to Kaidan, still completely unsure of what would happen next, but _needing_ to be closer to him. She sat down on the bed, next to him, with the largely ignored part of her head screaming that this was wrong, and she was making a fool of herself. _Like I don't make a fool of myself at least once a day?_

She sat there, watching him for a while, before she reached out to him, her fingers barely grazing his lips, as she remembered what they had had before. She remembered the giddy rush of seeing his small smile when she told him that Eden Prime was not his fault, and thanked him for his help. She remembered her barely contained amusement as she, Kaidan and Ashley took in the view on the Citadel, and he had been so bashful and embarrassed. She remembered their conversations, which seemed so important at the time, yet were so inconsequential in the larger scheme of things. Then she remembered Horizon, and she slapped him across the cheek.

_Oh wow._ Shepard knew she was drunk, but she had not realized she was _that_ drunk. She watched his eyelids flutter, and realized that this was, in fact, really happening. _Might as well go all in._ She slapped him again, not quite as hard this time, and in an unnaturally strident tone, said "Kaidan. Wake up."

His eyes opened. _You broke into his house to slap him. What the hell, Shepard._ He looked at her, and she looked back at him, both seeming to be unable to comprehend the situation. Finally she spoke. "Hey again." _Lame. Lamer than Horizon. Good going. Didn't think that was possible._

He sat up, looked around in the darkness, looked at her again. "You…you're real." It was not a question, the way he phrased it, but rather a statement addressed to himself.

"Yep. In the flesh." She tried to sound light, casual, but she wanted to duck under the bed and hide. _This was a great idea, really. The galaxy is __so__ lucky that you are attempting to save it._ Stupid head. If only Cerberus had been able to do something about that.

"Why?" He asked, with no malice or contempt in his voice. It really was a good question.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Kaidan grimaced as he leaned over to turn on the light next to his bed. He appreciated the irony inherent in waking from a dream about being in bed with Shepard aboard the SSV Normandy, by the actual Shepard, leaning over him with an irritated expression and smelling of something like cleaning solvent, hitting him. Perhaps he would laugh about it later, but right now, he was not very amused.

"Why . . ." She was staring at some point on the other side of the room, crossing her arms over her chest tightly, sitting rigidly on the edge of his bed. Her posture indicated that she might bolt at any moment, and Kaidan was not sure if he would be relieved or disappointed if she did. "Why did you tell me about that doctor?"

"Doctor?" Kaidan frowned, and then remembered the message he had sent after Horizon. "Oh." He shifted uncomfortably. Was this what she really wanted to talk about? "I don't know . . . I guess I was just trying to tell you that I was trying to move on with my life. I meant what I said; it wasn't anything serious, just drinks –"

"After Horizon, I started trying to flirt with one of the Cerberus agents on my ship." She still would not look at him, and her words seemed to spill out haphazardly, tumbling over each other. "I don't even know why, I wasn't really angry with you, just mad at myself, and he was there, a decent guy, could have even been a good friend, but it was _so_ obvious that he was still hung up on someone else, and I was being _so_ obnoxious and cheesy – part of it was just messing with him, but part of me wanted to break from the past, make things completely and finally over between us –"

"That would have been one way to do it." His words were terse, and his voice was a bit louder than he intended. "So is this why you're here? To make me feel bad about what I told you in the message? To tell me what you were doing with that man?"

Shepard shook her head. "No, no, I started all wrong. I don't want to fight –"

"I don't think it's technically a fight if you strike when your opponent is asleep." Despite his tension and apprehension, he snorted a little.

"You have a point." Shepard's lips quirked upward slightly. Her posture relaxed visibly. It was small, but it was something. "I don't think I've ever slapped anyone before." Kaidan snorted again, louder, and she turned back towards him, fully grinning now, that mischievous smile that had driven him crazy in the past, that smile that had always let him know that things were either going to get much more fun or much more difficult in the near future. "No, really . . . I mean, I _punch_ people all the time – more often than I need to, probably – but I've never just open-hand _slapped_ somebody. That's the kind of thing you see people do in old tearjerker chick vids. I never liked those very much. Not my style." She frowned suddenly. "I've become _dramatic_." She made it sound like she had contracted an unpleasant disease.

"Well," Kaidan sat up straighter, still wondering _why_ Shepard was in his apartment in the middle of the night and still somewhat confused as to how he felt about it. "I suppose coming back from the dead could do that to you." Shepard looked pained at this, and he regretted mentioning her resurrection.

"You were the only thought I had while I was dying, and I wanted to find you the moment I woke up." Her voice was hollow and forlorn, and Kaidan yearned to comfort her, but hesitated.

"I dreamt of you almost every night after you died." His voice was hoarse, low, and rueful. "I still dream of you, of us, before Ilos, every night. Before you woke me up . . ." He paused. "You must think I'm obsessed."

"I broke into your apartment to watch you sleep." She paused, and raised her eyebrows. "And then I _slapped_ you." She sounded amused again, and placed her hand lightly on his bare shoulder. "I even have a picture of you in my cabin on the Normandy. I'm practically operating at Conrad Verner levels of fixation."

He was acutely aware of her hand on his arm, as though her light touch was searing. She had always had this effect on him, even when she was _just_ his commanding officer, and she would stop by his station to talk about the current mission. Every touch, look, or laugh that Shepard bestowed upon him would have remarkable weight and importance, far beyond what should have been appropriate. He placed his own hand over hers on his shoulder, and sighed. Just like that, he was completely and utterly hers again, and he was fully aware of it. _You knew, even when you were walking away on Horizon, that you would give anything for another chance, that if she gave you the slightest sign of hope, you would follow her anywhere._ It was time for him to follow, if she would have him.

"So . . ." He spoke slowly, deliberately, looking deep into her eyes, searching for confirmation, "I guess we're obsessed with each other? It can't be that bad, if it's mutual, right?"

"Right." She was silent for a moment, just looking at him, and then touched his face with her free hand. "I'm sorry I hit you."

Kaidan took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for everything I said before, for not joining you when you asked. I know damned well that there was no way you could betray –"

"No." Shepard shook her head, her jaw set stubbornly in a way he knew well. "You were right to be suspicious, to go back to the Alliance. You had no way of knowing if I could be trusted. The Cerberus officer who oversaw the project to bring me back wanted to put a control chip in my head. What if she had? I really _could_ have betrayed the Alliance, or hurt the people I loved . . . it was better that you weren't there."

He mimicked her own previous action, and stroked her cheek, pondering her words. They were both dancing around the obvious now, but it did not seem to matter anymore. There were no Reapers waiting at the edge of dark space, no Alliance bureaucracy, no Cerberus schemes between the two in this moment. "Those scars you had, they're completely gone, like they never existed."

"Doctor Chakwas told me that if I acted in a peaceful and compassionate manner, the scars would heal on their own over time." She grinned again, in the way that he loved. "So, as soon as I could afford it, I shelled out for some fancy medical equipment for the Normandy medbay and had plastic surgery. I haven't changed _that_ much."

Kaidan smiled in response, tracing the curve of her lower lip with his thumb. "I noticed. I'm glad you're still the same old Shepard. The galaxy needs you around to slap some sense into it."

"I told you, I don't slap, I punch. I'm an action hero, you know." They were gravitating towards each other, slowly, until their noses almost touched. She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper and breathed, "And this is the scene where you kiss me." No more words were needed, and their lips met with urgency and tenderness. They moved into each other's arms fluidly, as though they had never been parted.

Shepard broke the kiss off for a moment, tilting her head back to look at him thoughtfully. "When we were fighting Saren, I thought for sure that I would lose you. And then I got lost. Do you think we can just be together this time? Even with whatever bad guys are out there waiting for us?"

"Let them wait." He murmured, even as he lowered her to the bed. "I'm not going anywhere, unless I'm going with you from now on."

As they made up for lost time and more, Kaidan thought of his dreams of the night before Ilos, and how much _better_ the truth of this moment was. All of the doubts and fears he had carried for so long were washed away in the presence of her reality. He knew that when he slept again, he would sleep dreamlessly, and for the first time in two years, he welcomed that oblivion wholeheartedly.


End file.
